Soon To Be Texan

In ten short days, I will be walking into a brand new lifestyle. I am moving to Houston, Texas. I recently received a job opportunity out there. I am sure my legs will be shaking, but eventually they will become strong again. I am sure my eyes will be puffy from all the crying, but I'll grow more independent and tougher. Thankfully, I am taking Miss Bella [my cat] along for the ride...18 hours & 12 minute ride to be exact. The stresses have been piling up - finding an apartment, move out of current apartment, find subleaser, bring furniture or don't bring furniture, uhaul?, buy a new/trustworthy car?, going away party, cancel my current bills and restart the bills, work as much as I can to get money, and most importantly - be with my family as much as I possibly can. Leaving my family, by far, is the hardest part of moving. As you know from prior posts, family is extremely important to me and being close with them for support through the tough times has always been an option for me - and usually the option I choose. I am so blessed that my mother will be driving down with me, but knowing that airport hug will arrive is already making me tear-up. The home-sickness will hit me like a semi-truck, but with my job, I cannot let it bring me completely down. My job will be stressful. My job will be tiring and challenging, but I am motivated enough to make this work. I will need to step out of my comfort zone and not continue to be the homebody that I usually am. I will need to go find friends, who will be my support system throughout this transition. They will become my out-of-state family. With the technology and social media, I was able to already find a few friends through a mutual friend. Also with Skype, I will be able to stay in eye-view contact with my beloved family. Every sort of emotion has been running through my body and the feelings only intensify as the move-date inches closer. Even though I am feeling all of those emotions, I don't believe the realization has completely struck. I will try my best to keep everybody updated, including via blogger. I hope to write, so I am able to display my emotions and have this as an outlet to release the excitement, pain, homesickness, good times, bad times, and random stories too. This move will be exhausting [mentally, physically, and emotionally] and giving those hugs will be extremely hard and full of tears, but I also have a strong feeling that this will be a good life changing experience for me. I will learn more about myself, step out of my comfort zone and experience new adventures while meeting new people.

Breaking Up Is Complicated

A week ago, I think my boyfriend of over a year and I broke up... I mean, we haven't spoken since then and words were said that would make me think we broke up. It was never officially said, but I think it was intended. Anyways, he is a great guy - just different. I have been emotionally and physically feeling normal. I have been taking time to myself and working when I am scheduled. Tonight, I have been getting this feeling of missing him and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm hoping that by writing this post, maybe it'll help me discover what I should do and/or cope with these feelings. It's tough to walk away when I considered him my best friend. I'm not a girl with close, true friends - but I can say without a doubt that he was one of them. The past couple days, I've been wanting to get out of the house and wanting to do something fun (ex: go to a movie, go out to eat, go shopping, etc), but I want him to come with me. I don't feel those passionate love feelings, but I do care about him. He annoys me, but he makes me laugh. He makes me feel comfortable and relaxed. He is one of my main cheerleaders in life. He makes the real and silly self come out, but he also makes the real and bratty self come out. I was told by multiple individuals not to think about the future and just take it day-by-day. I struggle with that and I struggle when I do picture my future. The one positive I do see in the future is that he will be an absolutely amazing father. I haven't really cried over this like I expected I would, until now. I want to be a better person because of all this - I know, for the most part, I caused this break-up and it physically hurts my heart thinking about it. My mind and heart flops back and forth - it's frustrating and exhausting for both of us. As my mind and heart flip flops, his heart has stayed steady and consistent. I think that's what hurts the most is that I am unable to reciprocate that... 

Today is the Day...

Today is the day that I start living for myself. I am not going to rely on a boy to make me happy. I can find the happiness and confidence within myself. I will no longer try so hard to keep my friends around. I am sick of giving everything I have in my heart to make them happy, then getting nothing in return. The days I am feeling sad, they aren't there for me. A man will come into my life one day that will be perfect for me. Friends will walk into my life that will actually care about me even when it means just sitting at home, watching TV and sipping wine. As for my family, they have never altered from being anything but perfect. I strive to be as amazing as my family members and continue to share that love we have with one another. Today, I had a realization within myself. Today is the day where things begin to change. It's going to be tough, but worth it in the end.

Self-Confidence

I have worked so incredibly hard on raising my self confidence. If you knew me in grade school, I hardly had any confidence. I was shy and timid, hating what I looked like and hating myself. In high school, I took a different role. I became a bully. I still had no self confidence, but because of it - I took it out on others. It was like I wanted them to feel the ugliness and hatred that I felt. I learned - the hard way - to stop that behavior. I learned and began to empathize the hurt that they felt. I kept finding myself in various abusive relationships - not feeling like I deserved anybody better. I went to therapy and I had the support system. I stopped the bullying and began seeing the beauty in myself. I see the beauty in my physical looks, my mind, soul and personality. I see the beauty in my past because I have learned to be a better, healthier and kinder human being. Confidence brings a skip to your step, a realness to your smile, and a flutter in your heart. It also brings a new perspective towards life and towards others. You began to see how important finding happiness in the small things are. You began to want to share the happiness to others and do not want anything to bring you down. You want to try everything so you don't regret it later, because now you have the confidence to go out and reach those goals and complete those obstacles you never thought you could. I proudly state that I am no longer that girl I used to be. I do not bully. I am confident. Now my goal is for others to gain the confidence in themselves. Everybody and everything is beautiful, but not everybody believes it. 

Something Fell Into Place

This weekend, I fell in love. Everything seemed to line up just right. My mind couldn't stop thinking about him and my heart skipped whenever his name appeared on my phone. I felt like a child in a hyper excited state. I felt every word that came out of my mouth was about him. I didn't have doubts, only smiles appeared. I'd stare at his photograph for what seemed like multiple minutes over and over again. We already have exchanged our feelings and love for each other, but this weekend it felt real. I saw him today after many days have passed - I had a pounding headache and was completely exhausted. After a good meal, I couldn't quit snuggling into him. It just felt like there were some sort of new sparks and an improved connection... It finally felt like love. 

It's Unfortunate.

Everybody in my life, besides my family, has let me down lately. The friends that I thought I would have forever have stepped out without a reason. The friends that have stuck around have done so many hurtful small things that it has caused me to lose trust in them. I no longer feel that I can explain my feelings without those words coming back to haunt me/making me look bad. I don't deserve that in a friendship. I'm going to go solo for awhile until the true friends peek their heads out and open up their hearts. It's unfortunate for me and for them because they lost a good, true friend. 

Seattle Bound

Two of my best friends are my sister and my nephew. I spend many days and nights by their side. We giggle more than not. We constantly talk about life and are each other's rocks. We keep each other standing and happy. This upcoming Tuesday, they will be Seattle bound. So far, it's not real to me. I think about it but don't believe it's going to truly happen. Our family has always been this close knit family that sees each other for everyone's birthdays, holidays, school programs and family days - it doesn't seem realistic to think that that could change. I have to be strong for my ten year old nephew but I secretly cry myself to sleep whenever I think about it. I am not looking forward to Tuesday - I wish it would never come, but I have to think of the positives. I know my life will be complete sadness for a long time until I come to accept this change or until they come back. They mean the world to me and I cannot imagine not seeing them weekly anymore and not being able to see my little guy grow up to be a beautiful teenager. I'm going to miss you three more than you know. If it were up to me, I'd never let go. My heart is full of love and wishes for safe travels. Family is never anything to take for granted... to me, family is my life.