Regret.

I have always prided myself with the fact that I live my life with no regrets. My favorite quote always being "everything happens for a reason." Regrets only keep you stuck in the past, causing yourself to rethink your opinions, morals, judgements, and decisions. That ultimately cuts apart at you and tears apart your self confidence. It affects the way you carry yourself, posture and inner beauty. It causes pain within your body, soul and heart. Sometimes your heart even feels like it hurts to simply beat - it's main job. You circle back into the past wishing for a time machine to take you back, so you can fix your past mistake... If you do that, it can all be better. You'll no longer think about it. The tears will stop falling. You can begin sleeping again. The food that used to taste good, will suddenly taste good again. You'll be back to being you. Truth is, you cannot go back. Even though I have always prided myself for livin with no regrets, I now have one, single regret. I have been dwelling on it for months. I have been trying to fix it, but it has only been ruining me and my current life. It has tore me up with its giant teeth and left me to drown. I cannot just walk away - closure is my only hope, but even that is starting to look impossible. Regrets. They only seem to cause more pain. This particular regret, I cannot wait for it to turn into a life lesson.

Cannot Move On.

I met him in November 2008 and my life changed. I knew what my future looked like and I knew who was going to be standing next to me throughout it all. I knew who my husband was going to be, my best friend, and the father of my children. Three and a half years have passed and he's gone. My heart hurts, an actual physical pain each time it beats. My mind is always thinking about him and missing him. Every time I think of what he may be doing or the other girl, I feel sick to my stomach. I feel completely broken inside and out. I look at our daughter, and I see the sadness in her eyes. She lays on his side of the bed, cuddles up on his clothes and gets excited each time she hears somebody walk past the apartment door, hoping it's her father that will walk through the door. We had our future planned out together. The photos were ready for the wedding slideshow. We knew which guitar chords would be played as I walked down the aisle with my father by my side during our wedding. We chose our children's names. We had it all figured out and loved each other deeply. I just cannot imagine my future any other way, so I am having a tough time figuring out how to rethink/redo my future plans. As I write this, my stomach is swirling. My weight has dropped and I have pushed everyone away from me. I don't know what to do. I cannot imagine moving on...

Time Travel.

I wish I could time travel. I would only use it twice, past & future. I would rewind to watch the Beatles perform, as the girls screamed and fainted. My heart would be beating fast and out of my chest as I sang along to every song. The smile on my face wouldn't be able to be smeared off. Paul McCartney was supposed to play at Target Field this fall, but schedule issues caused it to be cancelled. Seeing him would make me very happy, but it wouldn't be great enough to have it crossed off my list of "to dos" My other time travel would be to the future. I have so much on my mind right now, so much wonder and decisions. I want to travel into the future (10 years) and see where I am in life. I want to know what job I have, who I am married to, how my children are, where my family members are at in their lives, etc. The future is scary, yet exciting. When a time travel machine comes out, I will be first in line.

Love People For Who They Are.

There are too many closed minded people in society and there always will be. I personally have a problem with that. I have a serious problem with people who are filled with racism, homophobia, pushing religion down somebody's throat, etc. Everybody is equal. People make mistakes or have mental issues which set asides criminals from society. But the color of somebody's skin should not cause them to be treated differently. Loving somebody of the same sex should not cause them to be treated differently. Believing in or not believing in a religion/God should not cause them to be treated differently. Everybody judges somebody at some point in their life, so I cannot say to "Quit Judging" because it's in our nature/genes. Think back about hearing about the KKK and how now we as a society think that that is so wrong. Even though it was in the past, it still exists but just not as much. Right now, in the 21st century, our "problem" is gays. Gay people are normal people who only differ in who they are attracted to. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. In the future, we will think back about this "problem" and it will hardly be a problem. Gay is going through the same route as racism did. I have been watching the Real World San Diego and it bothers me how close minded a couple of the people are. LOVE PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE!

Friends Vs Man

My friends talk me through any decisions. They're always there to listen to my problems. I have met no guy that could possibly love me as much as they do. I have met no guy that talks and listens to me like they do. When I find a guy who fits my friends, listens and talks to me, and loves me like them, that is the guy I am going to marry. If I don't find him, at least I'll have them.

Can People Change?

People change. I don't know. I feel as though I have changed since I was in high school. I no longer judge, bully, or talk badly about people. Sometimes my old tendencies arise, but now I realize it and force myself to quit immediately. Have I changed or have I become aware of my bad behaviors? I am still trying to figure myself and my life out. I teeter totter on decisions like I am on some sickening ride. When you look at me walking, I am confident and carry myself with pride. If you were in my mind, you would meet a different character. I am always trying to make the right choices, which causes me to over think - even the simplest of things. Where to go to eat? That one question is thought as life or death in my mind. I don't know why I do this. Is it my confidence in myself, or just another bad habit that I have to become aware of and act upon? Like I said, I am still trying to figure myself out. Whenever I believe that my life is going to be simply wonderful, it shows me its complications.

Lets Talk.

The words were supposed to fall into place and mesh together perfectly. He was supposed to listen and understand where I was coming from. He was supposed to tell me his feelings, tell me his thoughts as I smiled at him. We were supposed to continue talking, but on a happier note. This was supposed to be a changing point. Tonight was supposed to be a good night. But instead, I just laid there, unable to say a word. Holding on and never wanting to let go.