"Complicated"

Complicated. Complicated is the word that sums up my past year. From August 2011 to August 2012, I have witnessed high points and ultimate low points. The positives that come out of a "complicated" year is that you end up learning a lot about life and about yourself. I have learned that love isn't simple. I have learned that setting your life up to follow a timeline does not work. I have learned that loving somebody with every ounce of your heart isn't always enough, because love is a two way street. I have learned that friends who are not there through the darkest times of my life should not ultimately be called friends. I have learned that trusting your heart is tougher than trusting your mind. I have learned that even though following your heart is hard, always do it - never allow what others say/feel affect your decision. The decision that you have to choose does not affect them in the end, it affects you. I have learned that I will never settle in a relationship. I am looking for a life-long partner who will communicate, love me fully for me, adore my family and friends, and will never look at me less than a priority. Be with someone who puts you as a priority and never as an option. I have learned how to be financially stable and realized how important being "financial-smart" is. I have learned, once again, how important my family is to me. I have met one amazing person that I hope to be friends with forever. I found my wing-man. I have high hopes for my future career and my future relationship (with whoever that may be). This past year has been complicated, but it has made me aware for what I need/want in my future. Thank you to the people who have actually been there for me. My appreciation could never be explained enough.

Just A Little Something

Family. Family, in my eyes, is the most important thing in my life. I would do absolutely anything for them. I have a beautiful mother - with blonde hair, blue-green eyes and a beautiful smile. She has been there for me, protected me through all the troubles in life. When she couldn't protect me, she stood by me through all the pain. I can truly call her my best friend. My father is a dark haired man, with tan skin. He's shy and laid back - would rather listen than talk. If you talk to him about cars, farming, animals, motorcycles, outdoors, and/or hunting - then he will never quit talking. My brother, Ryan, is about ten years older than me. We share the same smile and kindness. He's protective of me, especially since I'm his little sister. Rikie, my sister, has been my idol since early on in life. I adored everything she did. I enjoyed drawing, art, photography, music... Just because she did. We never had a close relationship until my college years. Once I moved to the cities, we became closer. I thank God everyday for that. Then there is Alex. He is 9 years old and consisently has his Ds in his hands. To call him a "techy" is an understatement. He has a raw sense of humor and full of sarcasm. He can make you smile yet cringe at his quick wits. My family as a whole is a large family. I have many aunts, uncles and cousins. Each of us are close and come together for holidays, birthdays and events. As our family grows, second cousins and in laws are joining in too. I have always been proud that nobody in our family drinks to get 'drunk'. I would consider us 'social drinkers' and 'nonsmokers'. That is another thing that I thank God for everyday. I have learned my healthy, mature habits because of them. I cringe at how the younger generation (such as my generation) cannot handle alcohol or drugs. They have become immature with the way they handle substances and think only of jenmoment - not of the future. My family is who made me who I am today and they have stood next to me proud through my darkest moments. Anyone who meets them are lucky. Anyone who joins our family is blessed. If you were to open your hearts for a minute to them, they will give their hearts forever to you. My family is my life and nothing will ever change that.

Regret.

I have always prided myself with the fact that I live my life with no regrets. My favorite quote always being "everything happens for a reason." Regrets only keep you stuck in the past, causing yourself to rethink your opinions, morals, judgements, and decisions. That ultimately cuts apart at you and tears apart your self confidence. It affects the way you carry yourself, posture and inner beauty. It causes pain within your body, soul and heart. Sometimes your heart even feels like it hurts to simply beat - it's main job. You circle back into the past wishing for a time machine to take you back, so you can fix your past mistake... If you do that, it can all be better. You'll no longer think about it. The tears will stop falling. You can begin sleeping again. The food that used to taste good, will suddenly taste good again. You'll be back to being you. Truth is, you cannot go back. Even though I have always prided myself for livin with no regrets, I now have one, single regret. I have been dwelling on it for months. I have been trying to fix it, but it has only been ruining me and my current life. It has tore me up with its giant teeth and left me to drown. I cannot just walk away - closure is my only hope, but even that is starting to look impossible. Regrets. They only seem to cause more pain. This particular regret, I cannot wait for it to turn into a life lesson.

Cannot Move On.

I met him in November 2008 and my life changed. I knew what my future looked like and I knew who was going to be standing next to me throughout it all. I knew who my husband was going to be, my best friend, and the father of my children. Three and a half years have passed and he's gone. My heart hurts, an actual physical pain each time it beats. My mind is always thinking about him and missing him. Every time I think of what he may be doing or the other girl, I feel sick to my stomach. I feel completely broken inside and out. I look at our daughter, and I see the sadness in her eyes. She lays on his side of the bed, cuddles up on his clothes and gets excited each time she hears somebody walk past the apartment door, hoping it's her father that will walk through the door. We had our future planned out together. The photos were ready for the wedding slideshow. We knew which guitar chords would be played as I walked down the aisle with my father by my side during our wedding. We chose our children's names. We had it all figured out and loved each other deeply. I just cannot imagine my future any other way, so I am having a tough time figuring out how to rethink/redo my future plans. As I write this, my stomach is swirling. My weight has dropped and I have pushed everyone away from me. I don't know what to do. I cannot imagine moving on...