Today is the Day...

Today is the day that I start living for myself. I am not going to rely on a boy to make me happy. I can find the happiness and confidence within myself. I will no longer try so hard to keep my friends around. I am sick of giving everything I have in my heart to make them happy, then getting nothing in return. The days I am feeling sad, they aren't there for me. A man will come into my life one day that will be perfect for me. Friends will walk into my life that will actually care about me even when it means just sitting at home, watching TV and sipping wine. As for my family, they have never altered from being anything but perfect. I strive to be as amazing as my family members and continue to share that love we have with one another. Today, I had a realization within myself. Today is the day where things begin to change. It's going to be tough, but worth it in the end.

Self-Confidence

I have worked so incredibly hard on raising my self confidence. If you knew me in grade school, I hardly had any confidence. I was shy and timid, hating what I looked like and hating myself. In high school, I took a different role. I became a bully. I still had no self confidence, but because of it - I took it out on others. It was like I wanted them to feel the ugliness and hatred that I felt. I learned - the hard way - to stop that behavior. I learned and began to empathize the hurt that they felt. I kept finding myself in various abusive relationships - not feeling like I deserved anybody better. I went to therapy and I had the support system. I stopped the bullying and began seeing the beauty in myself. I see the beauty in my physical looks, my mind, soul and personality. I see the beauty in my past because I have learned to be a better, healthier and kinder human being. Confidence brings a skip to your step, a realness to your smile, and a flutter in your heart. It also brings a new perspective towards life and towards others. You began to see how important finding happiness in the small things are. You began to want to share the happiness to others and do not want anything to bring you down. You want to try everything so you don't regret it later, because now you have the confidence to go out and reach those goals and complete those obstacles you never thought you could. I proudly state that I am no longer that girl I used to be. I do not bully. I am confident. Now my goal is for others to gain the confidence in themselves. Everybody and everything is beautiful, but not everybody believes it. 

Something Fell Into Place

This weekend, I fell in love. Everything seemed to line up just right. My mind couldn't stop thinking about him and my heart skipped whenever his name appeared on my phone. I felt like a child in a hyper excited state. I felt every word that came out of my mouth was about him. I didn't have doubts, only smiles appeared. I'd stare at his photograph for what seemed like multiple minutes over and over again. We already have exchanged our feelings and love for each other, but this weekend it felt real. I saw him today after many days have passed - I had a pounding headache and was completely exhausted. After a good meal, I couldn't quit snuggling into him. It just felt like there were some sort of new sparks and an improved connection... It finally felt like love. 

It's Unfortunate.

Everybody in my life, besides my family, has let me down lately. The friends that I thought I would have forever have stepped out without a reason. The friends that have stuck around have done so many hurtful small things that it has caused me to lose trust in them. I no longer feel that I can explain my feelings without those words coming back to haunt me/making me look bad. I don't deserve that in a friendship. I'm going to go solo for awhile until the true friends peek their heads out and open up their hearts. It's unfortunate for me and for them because they lost a good, true friend. 

Seattle Bound

Two of my best friends are my sister and my nephew. I spend many days and nights by their side. We giggle more than not. We constantly talk about life and are each other's rocks. We keep each other standing and happy. This upcoming Tuesday, they will be Seattle bound. So far, it's not real to me. I think about it but don't believe it's going to truly happen. Our family has always been this close knit family that sees each other for everyone's birthdays, holidays, school programs and family days - it doesn't seem realistic to think that that could change. I have to be strong for my ten year old nephew but I secretly cry myself to sleep whenever I think about it. I am not looking forward to Tuesday - I wish it would never come, but I have to think of the positives. I know my life will be complete sadness for a long time until I come to accept this change or until they come back. They mean the world to me and I cannot imagine not seeing them weekly anymore and not being able to see my little guy grow up to be a beautiful teenager. I'm going to miss you three more than you know. If it were up to me, I'd never let go. My heart is full of love and wishes for safe travels. Family is never anything to take for granted... to me, family is my life.

Oh... Hey Emotions, Didn't Expect To See You Today...

To my surprise, I came face to face with my past. My hands began to shake uncontrollably. My voice shook as I kept the tears in for as long as I could, until they squeezed their way out to the world. I could feel my face get red as my heart skipped beats repeatedly. I don't know why you do that to me. Two years have passed since I looked into your eyes, until now. My eyes still stared the same way, but yours were colder. I stood there like a deer in the headlights waiting for the car to hit. The car never hit, so I walked away. My heart walked away too, or at least it is trying...

Attraction Goes Past the Skin

It does not matter how a person looks. I had 'my type' determined to my lustful perfection. I tended to close my eyes to the colorful personalities that were interested in me because they did not fit my dream. Some would call that shallow. I would call that "expecting too much, and always coming up short to happiness". I have learned that having set expectations only leads to hurt, occasionally heart-break. Of course, I am not saying to settle in a relationship that makes you unhappy. I am simply saying that physical characteristics can only get you so far. The personality and the way somebody treats you, will lead through a lifetime. The looks will fade, so that is why communication is my number one priority in a relationship. Our communication will help us love each other deeper and be able to accomplish bigger dreams [together] in life. I know I want my best-friend as my life-partner. My best-friend will be the person I can laugh with, cry with, cuddle up in silence, have intellectual conversations with, talk about my/our problems with and most importantly love with all of my heart, mind and soul. Some call me a hopeless romantic and I am completely okay with that. Never close your eyes to love.

Diversity

The diverse world is astonishingly beautiful, but many people take it for granted. Racism and judgments flood many individual's minds, which block their hearts from staying open to learning. The various languages across the world can be intimidating to think about and come in contact with when you only know your certain language. I learned a small amount of German in high-school, then went Study Abroad to five countries (Germany, Czech Republic, Poland, Slovakia, and Hungary). It was a little scary to not know the language and semi embarrassing trying to communicate properly. I grew up in a small town where diversity was rare. I never realized the importance of diversity until I moved to Minneapolis in 2008, then especially saw the importance when I was completing study abroad. I became friends with people who didn't look or act like me. I loved every moment of it. I learned some of the differences in culture, so I no-longer see the world from only my 'American' perspective. The man who I have recently been dating is foreign and knows multiple languages. I'm extremely jealous of his travels, experiences and knowledge about diversity/the world. There are many small differences between his country and the United States that I never even thought about, such as peanut-butter & jelly sandwiches, drinking milk, school activities, mental illnesses, crimes, and hundreds more. I look forward to learning more about other people's culture and ways of living/seeing the world. Everyone of us can become more open minded to foreigners, diversity and cultures. Close-minded individuals will never grow as a well-rounded person, so open your hearts and your mind to diversity. Everyone is a foreigner to somebody.