My First "Blog"

The first blog is probably the toughest, at least it seems like it, since my mind is blank and my heart is not in sync with my soul. My heart is beating to a different beat compared to the drum of my mind. But I will try to put my thoughts and feelings together and form a so called "blog". I sit here pondering about the situation I created yesterday, with my poodle, Tommy laying by my right side. Every time my brown eyes blink, a droplet forms in the corner and comes together making a tear. My heart breaks a little more each time, as I insult you with my insecurities, but yet my mind can't stop my mouth from spilling out. Why can I not stop? How can I continue making you feel so low, when I love you so much? "It's me, not you." is what I need to keep saying to myself; so I do not blame this on my boyfriend over and over again. Pretty soon he will walk away if I continue, pretty soon he'll realize that maybe he can find someone better, someone prettier, someone more confident in themselves. I need to change somehow, I do not want to lose him since he's the best guy I have ever found. He heard me crying on the phone last night, and I hung up bawling. I sent him text after text screaming out my emotions, screaming at him. I made it more complicated than it had to be, but that seems to be my way of letting everything out. I get home from a long drive to St. Cloud and spending money just to feel okay again, and I get a call saying, "I'm here." I open the door to my beautiful boyfriend Barry. His dark hair reflecting the light from above on the house, a black zip up zipped up all the way except for an inch, his nicest jeans on and a single rose in his hand. He looks at me with a smile, but with total fear in his wide eyes. A smile forms on the edges of my lips and slides across my face. He lies the movies on the table and a scratch off beside them. I kiss him and say, "Thank You..."